Of Heart and Mind - [Jiseth/Archangel]

[Captain's Ready Room - USS Phoenix]

Archangel sat behind her desk with her head in her hands. Jiseth was back, and the reports about her experiences at the hands of the Tal'Shiar, as vague as they were, they still brought back several unwelcome memories for the young captain.

Since she was one of the few people on board who had had experiences with the Romulan intelligence agency, and one of the even fewer who could remember those experiences, it had been suggested by Medical that the two of them sit down and have a chat about it.

Hearing her door chime, she looked up at it, telling the computer to let the chimer in. A slight smile crossed her face as the door slid open. "Ah, Jiseth, come in!" she said warmly, getting to her feet.

Jiseth had her head bowed as she entered and did not raise it until the doors had closed behind her. She looked solemn. Alive, but as if some part of her and been bled away. Two things weighed heavily on her mind. The first being her own experiences of the last few months and the second involving Zero.

She stood quiet trying to look for the words as she finally decided to handle it in some chronological fashion. "Ma'am, I... I'm no longer a Romulan citizen. Without the exchange program... Am I even a Starfleet Officer?"

Archangel knew just by looking at Jiseth that this was not going to be a light session, and the question confirmed it in her mind. She gestured to the sofa, indicating for the other Romulan to take a seat while she headed to the replicator.

"That is entirely up to you, Jiseth," she replied, taking a glass of the electric blue Romulan ale and a cup of tea from the replicator. She placed the ale on the coffee table in front of Jiseth before taking a seat herself on the couch. "I can petition Command to give you a Starfleet rank and position, if that's what you want."

Jiseth was surprised to see what the Captain had brought for her, but then again she was in civilian attire. She felt out of place in her uniform without her duty or some project to work on. Nodattding in thanks for the beverage, she took a sip before answering T'Koris' offer.

"More than want. It is essential, ma'am."

Looking to the contents of her glass, she placed it on her thigh and closed her eyes with a slight sigh. Zero and Chira both had recommended she speak to T'Koris. Someone who knew what it was like and could empathize with how to attempt life afterward. After a stay with the Tal'Shiar.

"Before the war, I thought I was prepared to die. That feeling stayed with me until... It's certainly not there anymore. I find myself being driven by some unshakable sense that I belong to someone, that I'm someplace that I can with certainly call home, but... It's not like putting a toy locomotive back on its tracks. How... did you do it?"

Sometimes, you just needed to be nursing an alcoholic beverage before going into such weighty topics, and Archangel was pleased to see that Jiseth took right to the ale. She would have partaken of it herself had it not been for the fact that she found her hybrid system to be rather intolerant of quite a few things. And she was on duty.

She nodded as Jiseth told her that she wanted the Starfleet commission, making a mental note to send off the appropriate paperwork as soon as their little chat was over. The sooner it was sent, the sooner a response would come.

As Jiseth brought up the feeling of trying to get back into a normal life again, Archangel set her teacup back in its saucer and sighed quietly.

"Truthfully? I never did. I still blame myself for so many things. I still have nightmares about everything. But... that sense that you belong to someone... you hold on to that. You hold on to whatever solid force you have to keep yourself from falling back under. I had my duty, my daughters, Gabriel. I know that I must keep going for them." She offered Jiseth a slight smile. "It will take time, especially just to believe that it's over, that we're back in the real world and that it's not all just another illusion."

The last bit hit so close to home Jiseth's eyes widened slightly. There was a sense of relief though in a way. That though the light at the end of the tunnel was far, one of them was far enough along to function and have the life she wanted. She began to admire her Captain a great deal more.

"I still test myself every now and then, but Zero has been... supportive albeit concerned. She urged that I see you. She's not afraid to be my doctor more than my partner sometimes, although... I cherish that." For a moment she was able to return Archangel's smile, but it diminished soon after, "We have... a situation regarding her. She's the reason the Tal'Shiar abducted me. Why SFM keeps her locked away at times. They inquired about a breed of weaponized superhumans... thoroughly. As if we were creating a Human version of the Jem'Hadar. Shortly after I returned, she made me aware of what had happened to her in my absence. I have reason to believe that she's been... violated... by people on our side."

Archangel's expression was soft and understanding as Jiseth told her about still testing herself to make sure that it was all real. She knew that feeling, the need to know that it wasn't all just another illusion, another trick the Tal Shiar was using to glean information from her.

"I imagine that she's very concerned about you," she offered. "I know that Gabriel certainly was when I disappeared." As Jiseth moved on to explain about the questioning, Archangel's brow furrowed slightly, her own concern apparent. She set her teacup down, pinching the bridge of her nose. "I suppose I shouldn't be surprised by either of those things. Given the treaty the Federation signed at the end of the Eugenics Wars, it's hardly surprising that they're concerned about the rumours about Alpha. At some point, I'll have to debrief you, find out exactly what you told them, but that can wait for now." She paused then to think about the second element of Jiseth's revelation. She sighed heavily. "Both Gabriel and I petitioned for Alpha's return when she was ordered back to their facility. She's never spoken to us about what happens there and I'm afraid I never thought to inquire. Unless she comes to me herself, and with some form of evidence, there's probably not a lot I can do."

Jiseth took a deep breath and then gave a long sigh after her eyes had drifted towards the floor and closed. She reached into a pocket on her trousers and pulled from it the isolinear chip that Zero had given her. When her eyes reopened, she started at the small device before offering it to her Captain.

"Zero didn't realize what was happening was wrong... Not to the severity that it is. I can't take matters into my own hands... I'd lose for sure. Worse, she would too. It contains recordings of her... reeducation sessions. She gave it to me and... You're our commanding officer, ma'am. We need your help."

There was a frown on Archangel's face as she looked at the isolinear chip being proffered, various scenarios as to what could have happened to the Augment to have Jiseth asking her for help running through her head. None of them were good.

Taking the chip, she set her teacup down on the table, getting up from the couch and moving over to her desk where she plugged the chip into the side of the computer terminal sitting on the surface.

The recordings were only played for a matter of seconds before Archangel shut them off, her hands balled into fists as she tried to breathe levelly. While she felt anger that someone, that a guardian of all people, could take advantage of someone's naivety in such a manner, the sight of the recordings stirred up some uncomfortable memories of her own, memories that she always fought to keep buried.

"I... I trust that she now knows that this is not acceptable behaviour?" Archangel asked softly, bracing her hands against the edge of the desk. She could understand why Jiseth had brought this to her now. It made more sense. Unfortunately, she still couldn't act until Zero herself asked for help.

With another deep breath Jiseth scrunched her lips, tilting her head back and forth before finally nodding. She had explained to Zero of it, but she wondering if it had sunken in. Perhaps her lack of understanding of the situation could protect her, at least for a short while.

"She was under the impression that such things were to assess her... development. I explained to her that such things are most certainly not. She seems to have believed me though I'm not sure she fully grasps the severity of the situation."

Shaking her head, Jiseth had to look away for a moment, trying to maintain her composure.

"They put some device on her heart. Fatal if triggered. Part of the reason she's never came forward to anyone in the past save for myself who seems to be the first one she's ever trusted. That in mind, I intend to see this to its conclusion, no matter how long it takes, ma'am. The matter of our daughter-I'm sorry. This whole mess... I should have come to you much sooner. I acted stupidly not doing so."

It was easy to note Jiseth's hesitation in answering her question, but Archangel let it slide.  Knowing what Zero did and didn't understand wasn't particularly easy at the best of times.  She sighed, rubbing her brow ridges as she tried to think of a solution. There were times when she really hated being constrained by the regulations.

She then stilled, looking up at Jiseth as she continued.  He brain had to take a moment to catch up abd process all of the information.  She moved over to the couch, sitting down again and taking a sip of her tea.

"I was informed that she has a subcutaneous tracking device in order to keep note of her movements. I didn't think much of it since I have one as well, due to certain... Organisations liking to keep tabs on all of their operatives, but I wasn't aware of its nature...". She paused again, another piece of information having made itself known within the confines of her mind.

"Your daughter?"

"Yes..."

Jiseth nodded and then downed the rest of her drink. If nothing else it would help drown the feelings that were welling up. Everything that had happened the last 10 months was suddenly catching up with her. Maybe there was some truth to Raynor's words afterall.

"She... wanted to prove her love to me and did some research and she found that many couples have children so... A DNA sample and sometime later, I'm a mother to be. However... They removed the child from her womb and now she's in stasis. I... haven't been able to gather much more than that."

She seemed to get so many headaches these days, Archangel thought as she pinched the bridge of her nose again. Somehow, creating a child to express her love seemed exactly like something that Zero would do, simply out of incomprehension.

"They... took your daughter," she said, more to clarify to herself than to anything else. She sighed and rubbed her temples. "I think I'm going to have to have a little chat with Alpha," she muttered to herself before looking back up at Jiseth. "Thank you for telling me this, Jiseth. If I can get Zero to file grievances with me, I might be able to so something about it. I wish that I could use your testimony, but I need the victim's before I have the regulations on my side." She gave a soft smile. "More often than not, there is nothing we won't do to save those we love, to keep them safe. I just hope that your decisions don't become ones that you regret, or ones that will poison your life."

Her emerald eyes trailed down to the few drops of pale blue liquid in her glass. Her former commanders mostly found the situation amusing. Taking wagers as to how long she could last. The young, maverick officer had one thing that they could not trump, however. She wanted to learn more about their adversaries and to do so would mean to live among them. Could any of them say they would do the same?

In terms of immediate family, the bridges were mostly burned. Outside of her youngest siblings, only her great aunt, Toreth, did she still keep in contact with. The commander was one of the few who considered her not a traitor and perhaps, in her eyes, one of the few respectable Starfleet officers.

"There's little left for me on Romulus. My mother insisted I go. Zero and our child are the only family I have. My one regret is that I've gone down a path that may see our daughter missing one or both of her mothers... but its a necessary risk."

Picking up the empty glass, Archangel took both it and her own tea cup back to the replicator, replenishing their respective liquids before handing the newly refilled glass back to Jiseth.

"If that's your only regret so far, Jiseth, you're doing pretty damn well," she remarked, taking a sip of tea. "It's a 'what if', Jiseth. You can't live your life on them. Try 'what if both mothers survive and raise their daughter together'? As hard as it may be to believe right now, it's a thought to hold on to." Placing one hand on Jiseth's, she offered the other Romulan a reassuring smile. "And if the worst 'what if' comes to pass, your daughter will not be motherless. I'll make sure of that."

Suddenly the Lieutenant found herself struggling to fight back a wave of tears. It meant more than her own career, more than just about anything, that her daughter not face what her or Zero had to and would soon have to.

"...Thank you, Captain."

Jiseth closed her eyes and took a long, slow gulp of her drink. She squeezed Archangel's hand gently before her emerald eyes once again could be allowed out. Vulcans had centuries of practice on her.

"You know... When I first met her, I thought she was some obnoxious cadet who was sure to wash out. Knocking back whiskey at this hotel bar on Earth like it was water. Had never owned a pair of her own clothes before we met. Just uniforms. Took her to a tailor that night. I spent more money the next few days that I normally do in months. Every one of them seemed like we were exploring something new, some part of life others find mundane she was experiencing for the first time... I'm not short on reasons this has to succeed."

"You don't need a reason for a relationship to succeed," Archangel replied with a faint smile. "You just need a will for it to succeed. You don't need to justify why you love someone. Just the knowledge that you do should be enough."

She shifted in her seat, settling into a more comfortable position as she took another sip of her tea. "We seem to be talking an awful lot about Zero, about what she was put through. I can understand the urge to skip over what happened to you while you were away, Scotty knows Gabriel has had to drag it out of me at times or draw his own conclusions, but in the long run, it doesn't help."

"Zero doesn't know how to do that. I usually drag stuff out of her and it runs so deep that whatever's happening with me gets put on the back burner. To be quite honest..."

Jiseth's gaze fell to her glass again. Part of her had returned to where she had been held. The hairs on the back of her neck stood and for a brief moment she thought Archangel's office had a similar scent to it.

"...It's not enough. Not for her. She needs so much more. I can't give it. Not in the state I'm in. Two weeks went by before I even had a clue as to why I was a prisoner. They didn't even speak to me. It was almost like a leisure activity. One of the guards had gotten promoted and took to his usual routine with added vigor. I was happy for him because he had gotten a new pair of leather gloves that felt much smoother than normal when in a fist... How do I explain that to her?"

"You don't," Archangel said simply. She paused, taking a moment to bury her own memories once again, then letting out a soft sigh as she realised that she was going to have to ecplain herself in more detail. "Jiseth, Zero has her problems, yes. I will arrange a meeting with her and see what I can do to help, whether is be through official or... Not so official channels. What you can't ignore is tjat you have your own problems to deal with as well. Gabriel knows some of the basics of what has happened to me in various instances, but never the details because I know that it would tear him apart.". Her expression softened slightly. "Your relationship with Zero is young and unique. You're expecting a lot of her, and you're expecting far too much of yourself. Give it time. Give yourselves time to heal and get over what has happened to you.". She reached forward, patting the other Romulan's hand. "She's let you in farther than anyone else in her life. That puts you in the unique position of actually being able to help her and, in return, she will be able to help you." Archangel gave a soft smile. "You may not believe that you're what she deserves, Jiseth, but I believe that you're what she needs."

Smiling back softly and with a great deal of warmth, Jiseth nodded slowly. Time. It seemed like so much had to happen and over a long time span. Even if things went on a schedule, it would be years, but they were not. How could they? She had no idea of their course. Only a few paltry goals that seemed standard, routine even, in life. The Romulan was not asking for the world to change for her and Zero. Only that they be allowed the same chance at living. If not them, then at the very least their daughter.

"Thank you, Captain."

Archangel sat back with a slight smile, setting her empty tea cup on the coffee table. "You're welcome, Jiseth," she replied.

Her expression then turned a little strained, a little weary. The next piece of news that she had to deliver was not a pleasant one. Not for Archangel, and not for Jiseth.

"Jiseth... I've been tasked with your debriefing after the Tal Shiar encounter."

With a deep inhale, Jiseth's lips knotted. It was like getting inoculated as a child. Supposedly painless. Not quite in reality. Both were measures that had to be undertaken, however.

"Alright... How do we go about it?"

"Well, I could set up an interrogation chamber down in the brig and we could go down the whole 'truth or pain' type route," Archangel offered, a faintly amused expression on her face "or we can sit here quite civilly and have a chat. Personally, I'd prefer the latter."

"As would I..."

There was a lukewarm smirk from Jiseth. Perhaps it was funny, but she felt only to some and those who had lived through it had nothing to laugh at. To her it was not a joke. The torture was quite as she said. "Truth or pain," but sometimes it was just pain. Lots of it.

"Where do you want me to start?"

"Good," Archangel said in reference to Jiseth's choice as to their debriefing procedures. She had never been given the choice each time she had returned from the Tal Shiar. Sovereign had made sure of that. She blanched, turning away for a moment. Her memory of that time was still fragmented, something that she always considered to be a saving grace given what few scraps she did remember.

"The start is generally a good place to begin. What did they ask, and what did you tell them? Going question by question generally helps."