Limping Home Uphill [Chira/Jiseth]

[Conference Room 131.57.98F]

The tables and chairs had been all pushed toward one side of the room while the other was occupied by a couch and the replicator stand. On one end of the furniture piece sat a Romulan woman in civilian attire. Her hair draped down over her shoulders, no longer bound into braids.

A somewhat shaky hand took a glass from the stand, swishing the pale blue liquid inside. She had to bring it to her other hand to keep it steady. Quietly she waited. Today was just the first step in a marathon to recovery.

[Conference Room]

Shouldering her kitbag, Chira moved briskly through the corridors of the Athena, nodding to crewmembers as she passed them. She knew a few of the officers posted to the starbase, but ever since her permanent billet had been moved to the Phoenix, there had been plenty of crew moved in and out of the base.

Chira stood in front of a conference room, her hand hesitatingly hovering over the entry bell. If she'd have her druthers, she'd be holding this meeting in her own office. That wasn't an option, though...and she had an obligation to help a friend. At least...she hoped Jiseth still considered her so.

Nothing to do but just do it, she thought, chiming herself in. "Good morning," she said, smiling at Jiseth and the way the Romulan had commandeered the entire room.

"...Good morning."

It took a moment for her to reply as a greeting, the state of the morning was not simply good. Tolerable, perhaps, at least while away from Zero. She was once again able to share time and living space with her beloved. It was an uneasy happiness still, but they were together. The rest could come in time.

Setting the glass back on the stand, she rose and glided across the room to gently hug Chira. The faintest of scents reminded her of Henriks. Just change my call sign to Heart-Breaker or Ice Queen or just Cruel Bitch. A faint sigh escaped her lips as she pulled back.

"I'm a mess..."

Jiseth wrote:

"...Good morning."

It took a moment for her to reply as a greeting, the state of the morning was not simply good. Tolerable, perhaps, at least while away from Zero. She was once again able to share time and living space with her beloved. It was an uneasy happiness still, but they were together. The rest could come in time.

Setting the glass back on the stand, she rose and glided across the room to gently hug Chira. The faintest of scents reminded her of Henriks. Just change my call sign to Heart-Breaker or Ice Queen or just Cruel Bitch. A faint sigh escaped her lips as she pulled back.

"I'm a mess..."

"Oh, no you are not," Chira answered, returning Jiseth's hug and kissing her lightly on the cheek.  Had she been crying recently?  It could be.  "You're no more of a mess than any of us are."  It seemed like a lifetime since she'd seen the Romulan pilot.  Probably before even her assignment to the Phoenix.  Thinking back that far dug up painful memories of the Beta Spore incident...months ago.  She'd lost control of her emotional faculties, along with everyone else.  The memories...the way she had become a victim of her own mind and jealousy of Henriks' former feelings for the woman...

It hadn't been a good day.

"The ambiance leaves something to be desired," Chira smiled, glancing around at the converted conference room.  "Is there anywhere else you'd wanna go?"

"A hangar maybe? A lounge with a view of the ships? Maybe later though... I don't want to cause a scene. I need this space. Some private little bit of the station. Isolated and unmemorable."

Jiseth sat back down and gave a long, hard look at the glass sitting near her. She had given up on her cigars. She felt guilty using them after Zero had done so much to see her healthy. The liquor would be next, or at least in a diminished amount.

"You've seen me before in low points... Things I was never able to share with your beloved. I have a hell of a time sharing with my own."

Jiseth wrote:

"A hangar maybe? A lounge with a view of the ships? Maybe later though... I don't want to cause a scene. I need this space. Some private little bit of the station. Isolated and unmemorable."

Jiseth sat back down and gave a long, hard look at the glass sitting near her. She had given up on her cigars. She felt guilty using them after Zero had done so much to see her healthy. The liquor would be next, or at least in a diminished amount.

"You've seen me before in low points... Things I was never able to share with your beloved. I have a hell of a time sharing with my own."

Isolated and unmemorable? This certainly didn't sound like the Jiseth that Chira knew. Then again, it'd been a long time since they'd seen each other. Priorities changed. People changed. "Alright, we'll go wherever you want to go," she said, taking a seat.

Jiseth seemed to be toying with her glass of liquor, almost as if she wasn't sure if she should be drinking it. Chira could very well remember all the 'counseling' sessions they'd had together, which consisted mainly of getting blind on kali-fal. Unorthodox, yes...but it always seemed to help. She absently placed her hand on her midsection, where the two lives were growing, though it was far too early to tell visually. It'd be a long time before she drank alcohol, again.

"And what is it, in particular, that's on your mind today, Jiseth?"

"I've been away too long... This room has privacy, but with a little imagination it's not dissimilar to where I was being held. Zero wanted me to seek counseling with Captain T'Koris since she's had similar experiences... But I wanted to see a more familiar face first."

With her forearms placed just behind her knees, her hands clasped together as she leaned forward and stared at the floor, or beyond it rather. In her own mind she imagined a black hole as her coping mechanism. Also a prison. A place where all the memories could be thrown into and trapped. It was a place that terrified her because of all the nightmares suppressed therein. She called this place Gargantua.

Jiseth began slipping toward it from her usually distant orbit. There was a slight tremble in her body as she neared the horizon from which no light could escape. Dipping down beneath it, going through it, a freight train of emotion hit her as she burst into tears.

"I had been... w-wanting an extension, a p-permanent one, of my exchange program. I couldn't leave Zero, so I wanted to stay. I was intercepted on my way to the embassy. They accused me of being a traitor. There were... inquiries. Some violent, some more subtle. Their mind probes they... They get in deep. Like you're watching-feeling rather, yourself get dissected. I wish they had just executed me."

Chira watched as Jiseth seemed to teeter on the brink of a...well, whatever it was, it wasn't good. She winced internally as the Romulan spoke, once again, of the mind-games that her people played like Backgammon. In a way, it almost gave her a sense of deja vu, considering the sessions she'd gone through with Archangel. She knew better than to judge an entire species based on a few personal observations, but...damn if Romulans couldn't be total bastards.

She pulled her chair on over, disregarding the usual 'patient-doctor' distance. This was more than a case...this was one of her closest friends. Their mutual bond over Henriks made them almost something more than friends, really. Chira wrapped her arms around the pilot's shoulders, resting her chin close. "Easy, Jiseth. You can let it out. There's nobody in here but you and me. Whatever they did...you're back. You made it through, and you came back."

"Back to what? I haven't seen Henriks or Raynor or anyone. I have only the same permissions as a civilian guest on the station. I'm supposed to just get better, but I have no sense of direction. I don't even know how I am compared to what I used to be like. Everything seems different. The looks I get in the corridors. I'm not respected or admired, I'm feared. Disdained. I feel more like a patient Zero has to live with than her partner. Do you know what I would say to myself if I could go back in time? Stay! Don't go, you idiot! Just stay..."

A moment later she was sobbing into Chira's shoulder as her own shoulders shuddered steadily. It was a necessary moment of release, but little could be healed from it. That would come later. A journey to a place that seemed farther away than the Delta Quadrant.

Jiseth wrote:

"Back to what? I haven't seen Henriks or Raynor or anyone. I have only the same permissions as a civilian guest on the station. I'm supposed to just get better, but I have no sense of direction. I don't even know how I am compared to what I used to be like. Everything seems different. The looks I get in the corridors. I'm not respected or admired, I'm feared. Disdained. I feel more like a patient Zero has to live with than her partner. Do you know what I would say to myself if I could go back in time? Stay! Don't go, you idiot! Just stay..."

A moment later she was sobbing into Chira's shoulder as her own shoulders shuddered steadily. It was a necessary moment of release, but little could be healed from it. That would come later. A journey to a place that seemed farther away than the Delta Quadrant.

"We can't go back in time," Chira said, still holding Jiseth close. Well, actually, they could, but it would be a regulatory nightmare and was severely frowned upon by Starfleet. But she digressed. The counselor gave the Romulan one more tight hug, and then sat back in her chair. "Zero's been through a lot since you were gone. Starfleet Medical basically abducted her back, and tried to program all the progress she's made in the past few years right out of her. And, to be honest, she's not the best at social cues, even in good times. So I don't think you should take any hesitation on her part as a condemnation of you, in particular."

"Tsch..." Jiseth scoffed at the notion of their programming and all the other euphemisms that Humans seemed to use. To protect themselves from the sting of the truth perhaps? Now was not the time to guess.

"Zero showed me... a recording. What they did to her. They said it was part of the experimenting. Part of their tests. Your husband's in medicine, tell me, do you think he checks to see how well his female patients would accommodate a male partner? See how physically mature they are by taking them for a test drive? So every time I think about what happened to me, I think I deserved it because I wasn't here to help her!"

She could tell her emotions were making her less rational as she raked her hands through her hair and stared up at the ceiling.

Jiseth wrote:

"Tsch..." Jiseth scoffed at the notion of their programming and all the other euphemisms that Humans seemed to use. To protect themselves from the sting of the truth perhaps? Now was not the time to guess.

"Zero showed me... a recording. What they did to her. They said it was part of the experimenting. Part of their tests. Your husband's in medicine, tell me, do you think he checks to see how well his female patients would accommodate a male partner? See how physically mature they are by taking them for a test drive? So every time I think about what happened to me, I think I deserved it because I wasn't here to help her!"

She could tell her emotions were making her less rational as she raked her hands through her hair and stared up at the ceiling.  

Chira recoiled as if the Romulan had open-palm slapped her in the face, both from the revulsion of the things done to Zero, and from her question to the effect of whether or not Henriks would be party to such things. On a logical level, she knew that Jiseth was just illustrating a point. But, on the visceral level that even years of clinical detachment couldn't bury...God damn you straight to hell for even suggesting it, she thought, taking a deep and calming breath.

They weren't here to talk about Zero, though. At least, not directly. One step at a time. "It's...natural to feel that way. Like the Universe pays us back for our sins. But nothing actually works that way, Jiseth. There is no divine plan, no force that weighs us and metes punishment. It is just what we make of it. You left because you felt it was what you had to do, right or wrong." She laid a gentle hand on Jiseth's shoulder. "And you're back. So...what should be your focus now, I think, is being back, and in support of those you love, and those that love you."

Jiseth's hands moved to cover her face then to the sides and slowly rubbed her temples with her fingertips. What she had intended to communicate did not quite come out as she planned. There was just so much wanting to be let out that the Romulan could hardly find the words. Though simply screaming would hardly help.

"How? Jump back in the cockpit? Sparring with Raynor? Dinner at my place with you and Henriks? ...I'm sorry by the way. I hadn't meant to insinuate he would be anything like Corinth's goons. No, he's... perfect. Just like the both of you, your wedding was beautiful. I might actually live long enough to see my own."

Jiseth wrote:

Jiseth's hands moved to cover her face then to the sides and slowly rubbed her temples with her fingertips. What she had intended to communicate did not quite come out as she planned. There was just so much wanting to be let out that the Romulan could hardly find the words. Though simply screaming would hardly help.

"How? Jump back in the cockpit? Sparring with Raynor? Dinner at my place with you and Henriks? ...I'm sorry by the way. I hadn't meant to insinuate he would be anything like Corinth's goons. No, he's... perfect. Just like the both of you, your wedding was beautiful. I might actually live long enough to see my own."

"Why not?" Chira asked, a soft smile on her lips. "All of those things in their time, of course. You miss the cockpit, and fighting with Klingons. I'm sure they miss you, all the same. And," she said, resting her hand on the Romulan's, "dinner sounds nice."

She glanced down at the hands, and back up to Jiseth. "I know you didn't mean anything about Henriks. We were honored to have you and Zero at the wedding. And you will have your own...if that's where your paths lie." Suddenly, it occurred to her that she'd hardly had a chance to catch up with Jiseth since her return. "We're having a baby. Two of 'em, actually."

Jiseth's shot a look of surprise towards Chira, then her eyes drifted down to her abdomen for a moment before coming back up. She found herself somewhat stammering for words as her jaw slightly dropped.

"Hnaev... Temiraeka-congratulations! How... How far along-"

She stopped herself short realizing that questioned seemed more like a roundabout way of asking so when did you two start up with the pelvic sorcery?

"I mean... is it too early to tell what biological sex they are?"

Jiseth wrote:

Jiseth's shot a look of surprise towards Chira, then her eyes drifted down to her abdomen for a moment before coming back up. She found herself somewhat stammering for words as her jaw slightly dropped.

"Hnaev... Temiraeka-congratulations! How... How far along-"

She stopped herself short realizing that questioned seemed more like a roundabout way of asking so when did you two start up with the pelvic sorcery?

"I mean... is it too early to tell what biological sex they are?"

"It likely is, but I doubt we'll find out before the birth, anyway. It doesn't matter what sex they are, as long as they're healthy. Plus," she said, quirking a slight smile, "I kind of like the idea of the surprise. As if the whole twin thing wasn't surprise enough, but apparently it runs in Henriks' family."

They were not here, however, to talk about Chira Abols or her children. "I believe you should do all the things you wish to do, Jiseth. You seem to be operating under the pretext that people blame you for leaving. I assure you," she said, thinking of her own sister-in-law, and the hell that Archangel went through on a daily basis due to the Romulan Empire, "that is not the case. Zero needs you in her life as a stable force, even if she lacks the experiential context to understand why."

Nodding slowly, Jiseth ran her hands through her hair and leaned back, staring up at the ceiling. Most assuredly her situation seemed like leaving a motion picture or play and returning to have little idea as to what was currently happening. That wonderful man is going to be a father. If I could be half the parent either of them will be, I would be excellent.

"I'm not sure I know how to be that force-well... I'm afraid that it might not be enough. Maybe I've been gone too long, but... I would like her to be here next time. Maybe joint therapy would be more helpful to us. We are partners after all. She's the best wingman I've ever had."

No, Henriks was...

Jiseth wrote:

Nodding slowly, Jiseth ran her hands through her hair and leaned back, staring up at the ceiling. Most assuredly her situation seemed like leaving a motion picture or play and returning to have little idea as to what was currently happening. That wonderful man is going to be a father. If I could be half the parent either of them will be, I would be excellent.

"I'm not sure I know how to be that force-well... I'm afraid that it might not be enough. Maybe I've been gone too long, but... I would like her to be here next time. Maybe joint therapy would be more helpful to us. We are partners after all. She's the best wingman I've ever had."

No, Henriks was...

"Your concerns are understandable, Jiseth," Chira said, noting the wistful look in the Romulan's eyes but dismissing it. If it was pertinent, it would come out eventually. That was her job, after all. "But, be wary of getting yourself caught up in them and losing sight. Forest, trees."

She stood, moving over to the wall-mounted replicator. "Whether your presence alone, and your support, are enough will be something that time alone can tell. The only certainty is that you can't afford not to give it. Whatever your reason for being gone, it wasn't long enough that you still can't have an impact. Can I get you anything else?" she asked, ordering a hot green tea.

Jiseth looked at her empty glass and somewhat shook her head. She had to focus and was already plenty cozy from the effects of what she consumed so far. Any more would simply lead to her embarrassing herself either through words or by falling asleep. Or both.

"Fanta melon, please."

How long it had been since she last had a glass of the fizzy green soft drink she had no idea. A long time. The Romulan missed the crisp, yet smooth flavor of the honeydew. It was nearing the anniversary of when she had met Henriks. A glass of it was in her hands in the mess hall before all hell broke loose. Fond memories. An eternity passing it seemed from that day.

"I can talk to the Captain, but what do I tell Starfleet during an investigation? Why Zero and I haven't come forward yet? They'll think I'm incompetent. Immoral. They're going to tear me apart if it goes to trial."

Jiseth wrote:

Jiseth looked at her empty glass and somewhat shook her head. She had to focus and was already plenty cozy from the effects of what she consumed so far. Any more would simply lead to her embarrassing herself either through words or by falling asleep. Or both.

"Fanta melon, please."

How long it had been since she last had a glass of the fizzy green soft drink she had no idea. A long time. The Romulan missed the crisp, yet smooth flavor of the honeydew. It was nearing the anniversary of when she had met Henriks. A glass of it was in her hands in the mess hall before all hell broke loose. Fond memories. An eternity passing it seemed from that day.

"I can talk to the Captain, but what do I tell Starfleet during an investigation? Why Zero and I haven't come forward yet? They'll think I'm incompetent. Immoral. They're going to tear me apart if it goes to trial."

Chira gave a little smile at Jiseth's order. If it wasn't ginger ale, it was her melon drink. Chira had come to learn that it was a kind of drink popular on Old Earth, called 'soda'. There were similar drinks nowadays, most popularly 'root beer', but back then they'd been laden with real sugars and decidedly unhealthy. Still, Chira wouldn't mind trying one in the old style...no matter how bad for you they were. Kind of like Jiseth's cigars...another organ-killing anachronism.

"I think you're getting too far ahead of yourself, Jiseth," she said, her smile small and comforting. "Talking to Arch is definitely something that you should do. But...all the rest of it? Starfleet? Trials? I'm sure they'll want to debrief you, yes, but I'm not sure anything that drastic will be called for." Chira didn't exactly have the most conviction behind that statement, however. She had, after all, been privy to all of Archangel's files.

"That's the thing... Have you read the dossier on Doctor Julian Bashir? His father is locked up for modifying him. The Federation doesn't seem to be very accepting of genetic modification and Zero is the most extreme case. A living, breathing person born from this. It comes down to the issue of our child. Zero created her and while she did so with perhaps more traditional means, I think the concern will be because she did it. Moreover, she impregnated herself. This all has been on my mind a lot if you haven't noticed."

With a deep sigh, Jiseth's eyes moved to the floor.

"I try to plan ahead. Be ready for anything. Pilots have to be good at that. I'd like to think I'm a good partner as well. I'll probably say it a million times over, I do so very envy you and Henriks. Consolation prize on my end, virtually no in-laws."

Jiseth wrote:

"That's the thing... Have you read the dossier on Doctor Julian Bashir? His father is locked up for modifying him. The Federation doesn't seem to be very accepting of genetic modification and Zero is the most extreme case. A living, breathing person born from this. It comes down to the issue of our child. Zero created her and while she did so with perhaps more traditional means, I think the concern will be because she did it. Moreover, she impregnated herself. This all has been on my mind a lot if you haven't noticed."

With a deep sigh, Jiseth's eyes moved to the floor.

"I try to plan ahead. Be ready for anything. Pilots have to be good at that. I'd like to think I'm a good partner as well. I'll probably say it a million times over, I do so very envy you and Henriks. Consolation prize on my end, virtually no in-laws."

Chira was, indeed, familiar with Doctor Bashir's case, and said as much. The psychology of the Augment sub-species was required reading, from the Eugenics Wars to the modern day. She rather imagined that there'd be a chapter on Zero Alpha before too long, too.

"A lot of what Zero has done, and continues to do, I'm sure Medical finds disquieting. However...it doesn't excuse how they treat her. The moment she begins to carve her own life, as she's done, she ceases becoming property and becomes sentient life, protected by both the Federation Charter, and the Prime Directive." Chira gave a little shrug, knowing how much certain aspects didn't particularly care to think that way, though it would likely come down to a trial. Chira at least hoped that right would prevail in that instance.

She rested her hand gently on Jiseth's knee, giving her a warm, fawn-eyed smile. "You don't need to envy us, Jiseth. What you and Zero have is wonderful, too. You're very special, and that girl needs you, even if she doesn't quite understand why."

[Second Meeting - Holodeck]

There was a sickening crack that broke the near silence, the only other sounds were of the ocean and Jiseth's heavy breathing. In her hands were each a half of a wooden baseball bat. Around her looked quite similar to the remains of Cardassia Prime. Fine china, glassware, any and all things breakable.

She released the pieces to the floor with contemptuous disregard as she walked toward a wall mirror and ran her hands through her hair. This was the same studio program for Zero's dance practice, Jiseth had made a duplicate where they were on Romulus instead.

"How could I be so freaking stupid? I asked her to marry me. You should have seen the look on her face. It's like she walked into our-her quarters and saw Ghost dead. Oh just make a baby, that's fine, but marriage? Vorta Vor, I've crossed the damn line!"

With a sudden jab at the mirror, her reflection shattered. So incensed she did not even feel it. Under all the pressure of her grief, that sadness had erupted out as fiery rage. Her normal calm demeanor now similar to what the Romulan imagined Raynor to feel. Except for her, there was no strength in it. Only another weakness. One that she knew Chira had seen a lot of in the last half hour of rampage.

"Say something... Please."

Jiseth wrote:

[Second Meeting - Holodeck]

There was a sickening crack that broke the near silence, the only other sounds were of the ocean and Jiseth's heavy breathing. In her hands were each a half of a wooden baseball bat. Around her looked quite similar to the remains of Cardassia Prime. Fine china, glassware, any and all things breakable.

She released the pieces to the floor with contemptuous disregard as she walked toward a wall mirror and ran her hands through her hair. This was the same studio program for Zero's dance practice, Jiseth had made a duplicate where they were on Romulus instead.

"How could I be so freaking stupid? I asked her to marry me. You should have seen the look on her face. It's like she walked into our-her quarters and saw Ghost dead. Oh just make a baby, that's fine, but marriage? Vorta Vor, I've crossed the damn line!"

With a sudden jab at the mirror, her reflection shattered. So incensed she did not even feel it. Under all the pressure of her grief, that sadness had erupted out as fiery rage. Her normal calm demeanor now similar to what the Romulan imagined Raynor to feel. Except for her, there was no strength in it. Only another weakness. One that she knew Chira had seen a lot of in the last half hour of rampage.

"Say something... Please."

Chira had pretty much stood aside, allowing the storm to pass through. She knew that Romulan passion was very much like that...and it reminded her of the old Klingon proverb about fools and the wind.

She moved closer to Jiseth, stepping over bits of broken holographic items, smashed asunder with shards of broken glass. "'Something'," she said, resting a hand on Jiseth's shoulder with a faint smile. It was a sad one, though, without much mirth. "Whether Zero is ready for that kind of commitment...or if she even knows what it means...that's the question. It doesn't mean you're stupid for not knowing the answer."

Something crunched as she stepped on it, and Chira winced before remembering that it was holographic...whatever it was. "She made that baby precisely because she doesn't have the capacity to understand how a relationship works. Twenty years old, and having to learn all at once what we gather over the course of a lifetime. She made a child because she read about it being a declaration of love. Jiseth," Chira said, running a hand through her loose auburn hair, "at the risk of bluntness...what did you expect? It seems to me as if you're the one coming into this with your sights set unrealistically."

"What am I supposed to do?!"

A boot-encased foot swung around and struck the club half of the broken bat. Spinning in through the air like a circular saw blade, the glass window that had been the target put up little resistance. After the crash came the rustling of leaves as it plummeted into the trees and bushes below.

There was a rush of warm sea breeze filling the room. Several crunching foots steps across the room, Jiseth seemed lured to it, the sight of her homeworld. She wondered if any one in Starfleet knew just how much she had given up. It would have been a welcome sympathy amid the myriad of judgments.

"How many months do I have, hm? How long till I have to be a caretaker? A role model? How do I tell a small child that there's a chance she won't see one or both of her mothers again? That's the reality I live in!"