Limping Home Uphill [Chira/Jiseth]

Jiseth wrote:

"What am I supposed to do?!"

A boot-encased foot swung around and struck the club half of the broken bat. Spinning in through the air like a circular saw blade, the glass window that had been the target put up little resistance. After the crash came the rustling of leaves as it plummeted into the trees and bushes below.

There was a rush of warm sea breeze filling the room. Several crunching foots steps across the room, Jiseth seemed lured to it, the sight of her homeworld. She wondered if any one in Starfleet knew just how much she had given up. It would have been a welcome sympathy amid the myriad of judgments.

"How many months do I have, hm? How long till I have to be a caretaker? A role model? How do I tell a small child that there's a chance she won't see one or both of her mothers again? That's the reality I live in!"

"It's the reality we all live in," Chira quietly said, subconsciously touching her abdomen. The slightest of a swell was there, a small bump that stood testament to the short amount of time that she was into her own pregnancy. "Every one of us. A calculated risk we take in building relationships, starting families, out here in this place and line of work. But...it's something we're driven to do. I think it's a coping instinct, to keep us from losing it out here. Tell me," she said, picking up a shattered piece of wood and turning it over in her hands, "were we meant to seal ourselves in recycled air and eat modified proteins and be at the mercy of artificial inertia?"

She cocked her arm back, flinging the piece of wood and taking out the remaining half of the window. This was fun. In a cathartic kind of way. "There are things you can change, and things that are out of your reach at the moment. I suggest you narrow your focus to that which can be changed." She crossed her arms, giving Jiseth a level look. The Romulan girl was one of her closest, dearest friends, and she'd never weaseled out of a confrontation when it was needed...and wasn't about to start now.

"You need to ask yourself some serious questions about this marriage, Jiseth. Namely, why are you pushing at it so hard? Is it for her...or for you?"

There was a look of shock in Jiseth's eyes as her head jerked to the side toward Chira. She could restrain herself to not physically harm the counselor. That was easy. Biting her tongue, not so much. To the Romulan, the hardest thing in Chira's relationship would be to remember all the birthdays of Henriks' relatives.

"Fine. Yes. It's for me... Is that what you wanted to hear? That I need some way to tell myself I can reciprocate the lengths to which she would go for me? All I keep hearing in my head that I did everything wrong. It's my damn fault I got captured and am in this mess. So what now? Do I just... What exactly? Call it off? What, Chira? What!"

Darting away, she stepped hear the now opened window, placing her hands at the sides of it though mindful of the broken glass still attached. Her head was bowed down as teeth clenched against her lower lip. Tears came swiftly enough as well. Vulcans have it easy, she thought.

"I can't do this... I'll never see my family again and all for nothing... Nothing, Chira! Today's my father's birthday... I can't... I can't do anything. Just fly a damn space ship. That's all I'm good for."

Jiseth wrote:

There was a look of shock in Jiseth's eyes as her head jerked to the side toward Chira. She could restrain herself to not physically harm the counselor. That was easy. Biting her tongue, not so much. To the Romulan, the hardest thing in Chira's relationship would be to remember all the birthdays of Henriks' relatives.

"Fine. Yes. It's for me... Is that what you wanted to hear? That I need some way to tell myself I can reciprocate the lengths to which she would go for me? All I keep hearing in my head that I did everything wrong. It's my damn fault I got captured and am in this mess. So what now? Do I just... What exactly? Call it off? What, Chira? What!"

Darting away, she stepped hear the now opened window, placing her hands at the sides of it though mindful of the broken glass still attached. Her head was bowed down as teeth clenched against her lower lip. Tears came swiftly enough as well. Vulcans have it easy, she thought.  

"I can't do this... I'll never see my family again and all for nothing... Nothing, Chira! Today's my father's birthday... I can't... I can't do anything. Just fly a damn space ship. That's all I'm good for."

Jiseth's anger was a palpable thing, laser-focused and hot like a blast from a phaser bank. It fired right into Chira's soul, knowing that she'd caused her friend pain. However...did she not owe Jiseth the truth? Yes. That was her job, after all. No matter how much it hurt.

Both of them.

"Rage. Fury. Intensity. All of those things," she quietly said, coming up behind Jiseth and touching her on the shoulder. Her own eyes were brimming with hot tears, too. "All those things come easy to you. And they define you, in their own way. One thing that does not, however...is self-pity."

"You know you're more than just a flight jock. You're more than that to me and Henriks, and you're more than that to Zero. Nobody's talking about going to the same lengths that she did." Chira reached for Jiseth's hand, inspecting it for damage from the window glass. Knowing Jiseth, she'd probably turned the damn safeties off. "It's those lengths to which she went, Jiseth. Therein lies the problem. Zero's understanding of what her own needs are is severely limited...let alone what you need."

"Years... She won't understand for years. Much like the rest of us... Except she's way behind."

Her left hand ran through her hair and stopped near the top of her head, pulling her bangs back and exposing her entire forehead. Every now and then it felt relieving to have her ridges completely uncovered. Especially now as the sweat began to accumulate though she tried to calm down.

Jiseth's eyes trailed to her other hand and the green specks of blood and dark bruising already forming. A calmness began to wash over her, much like the coming tide. She still could not look Chira in the eye, however.

"At least I didn't buy a ring yet..."

Jiseth wrote:

"Years... She won't understand for years. Much like the rest of us... Except she's way behind."

Her left hand ran through her hair and stopped near the top of her head, pulling her bangs back and exposing her entire forehead. Every now and then it felt relieving to have her ridges completely uncovered. Especially now as the sweat began to accumulate though she tried to calm down.

Jiseth's eyes trailed to her other hand and the green specks of blood and dark bruising already forming. A calmness began to wash over her, much like the coming tide. She still could not look Chira in the eye, however.

"At least I didn't buy a ring yet..."

Chira slipped her hand behind Jiseth, resting it on the woman's lower back. While she normally reserved the slightest of clinical detachments to cases, this one was different. Jiseth was more than a case. She was even more than a friend. Chira and Jiseth both loved the same person, but in very different ways. That, plus what they'd been though...it was a bond stronger than friendship.

"You're right about one thing, Zero is years behind us. Even me, and I spent most of my teen years voluntarily banished to the library. But...that means there's more impetus on you. You've got to be the one to take the point on these things."

Stepping back a little, Chira cocked her head slightly and raised an eyebrow. "So, the question begs, Jiseth...what if it does take years? I'm not saying it should, but what if? Are you willing to wait that long?"

"I will endure."

Reaching over she took Chira's hand and gave it a firm squeeze. Her eyes were still very much captivated by the crests of waves gently coming ashore. The rhythm of it. The constant cycle that seemed to have no end.

"I can't explain why I feel the way I do. I didn't consent to having a child. I didn't carry her. Biologically, she shares my DNA, but there's nothing... no legal or social obligation forcing me to be my mother. Yet here I am... I want to be her mother. I want her to know love and happiness. Free of fear. That's me being selfish..."

Jiseth wrote:

"I will endure."

Reaching over she took Chira's hand and gave it a firm squeeze. Her eyes were still very much captivated by the crests of waves gently coming ashore. The rhythm of it. The constant cycle that seemed to have no end.

"I can't explain why I feel the way I do. I didn't consent to having a child. I didn't carry her. Biologically, she shares my DNA, but there's nothing... no legal or social obligation forcing me to be my mother. Yet here I am... I want to be her mother. I want her to know love and happiness. Free of fear. That's me being selfish..."

"Well," Chira replied, smiling softly at the hand on her own. "There's your answer, then. You know that family's more than blood. Seika shares no DNA with me, but I love that little girl as if she were my niece in more than name. And I know that my brother feels the same way."

She raised an eyebrow at the Romulan, her tone slightly chiding. "And you know damn well that it's not selfishness that causes these feelings, Jiseth. The fact that you feel this way about a child you've never known other than in the abstract is proof of that."